"It could be worse"

That saying is meant to make people feel better but it creates the opposite in me. Thinking it could be worse and that other people have it worse makes me feel shitty for feeling shitty about my situation in the first place.

About two weeks before my ankle was broken I was laid off from my job. I haven't worked in 3 months. Back in June when I was looking for a job there wasn't anything. I'm afraid to look now. And to be honest I don't know what to look for. I don't really want to do what I was doing previously. But I don't know what I'd rather do. Well I do know, but there's no way I can see to make money at it. So I feel stuck. I had thought maybe I'll just work at a temp agency until I figure it out. I feel lost and directionless. I don't know what to do, and I don't really want to do anything. The annoying part is I'm so bored all the time but I don't want to do anything at all. Sounds exactly like being stuck.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I'm so envious of people who have found a job they love.

Update

First off I want to start by answering a question that Sean wrote. He asked what happened to the bitchass ho that did this to me. The answer is not a fucking thing. My injury happened with around 5-10 minutes left in the game so with all the commotion they 1. didn't finish the game and 2. nothing happened to her. I'm not sure if i posted this already but right at the top of the rules for our league was NO SLIDE TACKLING. So something should have happened to her. BITCH! Once I'm better my awesome friend is going to take me out to get drunk then we're going to go and find this chick and put her in a body cast.

Ok so updates. Well on the 24th I get to find out if I can walk without this plastic cast I'm wearing. I am allowed to put weight on my foot only when wearing the cast. That's fine by me because I tried it without it on and it hurt so I see why. It kind of hurts with the cast on. The bone is completely healed I'm told it's just the ligaments that take forever to heal. My surgeon says bones heal in no time and if I had just broken it I would have probably been running around already. But I did some ligament damage as well so I'm SOL. I've started physiotherapy, but since I don't have a job and no health care I don't go very often, only once a week. Which is really fine with me because I don't have much energy anyway. I have exercises that I have to do and I get accupuncture to slow down the swelling in my ankle. I'm all for accupuncture but I haven't noticed a difference. Maybe it takes time and builds up...I don't know. Also with my visit to the surgeon on the 24th I'll find out about these extra pins that are in my ankle. Apparently 2 should come out. I can't wait because I can feel them through my skin. You can kind of see them actually. When I move my ankle I can tell it's not normal movement it's almost like I can feel my tendions and shit moving against those pins. (cringing yet? lol)

I have to say you really learn who your friends are when something like this happens. My newest friends have been so much better than my oldest friends. You'd think it would be the other way around. Though the age of my newer friends could be a factor, one is 10 years older and one is 14 years older so...maybe that's it. One of my really good friends calls me once in awhile. But it's from work so we never have a good talk. I don't remember the last time we had a good talk like the old times. I miss it. But alas things change and so do your relationships. But anyway my newer friends make sure to call me pretty often and visit me at least twice a month. I'm glad I found them.

Oh well, what's a girl to do. I have to move with my parents so maybe a new city will be good. Maybe I'll find better people to be friends with. Or not...lol. It's not all bad, I understand barely having time for yourself let alone a crippled friend. Who needs crippled friends anyway? It's not like they're a whole person...haha just joking.

Deformed

So I was looking at my leg the other day. The one in the cast. It's fucked looking. It's starting to deform and look nasty. It's got weird bumps and dips that shouldn't be there naturally. Guess that's what happens when you don't use your calf muscle for a bunch of weeks. It's still gross looking. I wonder how many weeks of physiotherapy it will take to get back to normal.

Just before I broke my leg I bought new summery type shoes. Now I'm only wearing one. The one is going to be so well worn and the other will be totally new. I hope it doesn't look stupid.

I thought I'd have more to post but I'm tired. I had to get up early today so I only had maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I'm going to take my cast off, give my leg some air, put some aloe vera on my slices (incisions), turn off the lights and maybe find a movie to watch or something.

I Think I Just Might Deserve it

So the 649 is at like 43 million or something right now. I could really use that money. I think after the shitty two years I've had I might deserve it. Or at least a million.

If I had that money I wouldn't do anything as I can't since I'm pretty immobile. But I'd not move. I don't want to move at all. Try moving to a new place with a broken leg. It doesn't work so well.

I'd also start my own company and make a website I've had stuck in my head for awhile now. You know those kind of ideas that keep you awake at night? It's a good idea and as far as I know no one has the same concept as I do. With the 43 million it wouldn't matter if I made money and that wouldn't be the driving factor for measuring success as most sites are. If you have craploads of money you can spend the time and money to focus on quality and the investors and advertisers will come. I think that's where a lot of good sites go down. They try to get it out fast and think that's good enough, then wonder why no one comes to their site and why they have no advertising dollars. I could go on forever...

Anyway I think maybe I deserve it. I'm sure there are tons of people who are in need more than I. But with all the shit I've gone through maybe it's time for something good to happen for once!

Boating on Crutches Sucks

I have an appointment tomorrow that I'm not looking forward to. Last time I had an appointment it was for 10 something in the morning. I didn't get in until 3 something. Ridiculous. It's hard to sit there it's so uncomfortable when you have a broken bone. Easy if you have a broken arm but not leg. The fracture clinic is kind of far from a door so it's a long way to crutch. I'm worried about crutching it there because the crutches kind of rub on my sides and we all know what that means.

I have about 10 pins in my ankle somewhere and I was told I'd have to get 2 taken out. I'm not looking forward to that. I wonder how they will do it I mean my two slices are healing pretty nicely I think. Will I get a new slice to take out these two pins? will they slice on an existing slice? How will they make it so it doesn't hurt? I guess I'll found out tomorrow.

I went up to our family boat in Victoria Harbour. I didn't really want to go but I went because my mom hasn't really been able to go anywhere because of me. We stayed two nights on the boat. One night was enough for me...on the second morning I was ready to get the hell out of there. It was beautiful and all but it was just way too uncomfortable and I must say boring. Here they were swimming and movin about the boat as they like while I'm confined to a sun bed not daring to get up incase of losing balance with the waves and falling. I'm glad we were all able to get out and my mom didn't have to worry about me being at home alone or something like that but still I don't want to be on the boat if I'm still on crutches. I'm sure I'll have to go again soon but I'm hoping it won't have to be until I can walk on my own.

Shit Flies in Chunks of Three

I'm still around and boy have I got some shit to share. So everyone says the bad comes in threes, I'm starting to believe. So here's the scoop:

1. To start things off my parents drop on me they want to move pretty far away from where we are now. I live with them to save money because when I move out I'd prefer to move out to something half decent instead of a shit hole. So that sucks but I can deal. It would be nice to be on my own. So it sucks but it's ok. I have a pretty good paying job and I had recently received a raise so I figure I can do it.

2. I get layed off. The company I work for folds and I have no job. This was a huge surprise to everyone as we thought this company was a sure thing. I'm kind of glad I don't work for this company anymore because it was a shit company with shitty leadership and I have no doubt that because of shitty leadership the company fell. But anyway I'm layed off, and have to move.

3. I'm playing soccer in an attempt to stay somewhat active. So at one of my soccer games not even a month after getting layed off a girl comes in and slide checks me and both breaks my leg and dislocates my ankle. This in itself was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I started screaming before I even hit the ground. I'm whisked off to the hospital in an ambulance where I am awake while they relocate my ankle which was also extremely painful. Then the next day I go into surgery. And guess what? I'm awake for that too. With a blue sheet infront of my face I can hear them drilling screws into me. Luckily I didn't feel this as I had a spinal which was also laced with morphine. It took me hours just to wiggle my toes. So this was my first time breaking a bone, my first time in an ambulance, my first surgery and my first catheter. What a great time for firsts.

So now I'm jobless and couldn't work if I had a job. I have to rely on my mom to do just about everything for me. I'm on crutches for awhile. I have a doctor's appointment on the 6th so we'll see what he says. I do know that I have to get 2 of the 10 pins or screws taken out of my ankle. So that sucks. I also have a large metal plate in my leg as well. I'll have to ask if I'll set off the metal detectors at the airport.

As you can see my life is shit right now. It's all I can do to stay remotely positive. I can't shower without my mom being there. I can't get food for myself when I'm hungry, I can't do laundry, clean or anything. I would have rathered I broke my arm instead of my leg. When you break an arm at least you can still walk and still have a good arm. When you break a leg yes you still have a good leg but it's like you only have a leg because your arms now become like another leg because of crutches. I can't carry anything. Basically I can't be left alone for long periods of time. So that's my life right now. What about yours?

A Simpler Life?

So I've been watching all the seasons of Lost and couldn't help but think how it might actually be nice to just live on an island. If you just put aside the fact that there are "monsters" on that island, their only worries are making sure they eat everyday, have shelter, keep warm, and that's about it. Other than making sure you don't get badly hurt since there are no hospitals.

But would it really be that bad? No need to worry about your job because your job becomes making sure you live to see another morning. No need to worry about how Nancy in the cubicle over is sucking up big time and you might lose your edge in the promotion. No need to worry about paying this month's rent, you literally have palm fronts sheltering you.

Catch my drift? It might actually be a nice relief.

Then again it might not.