How Much Can You Handle?

You never really know how much you can handle until a whole pile of things are thrown at you. Can you do it? Can you take it all on and not go crazy? Maybe. Maybe not. You won't know until you try.

I called my mom on Friday at noon to find out when she made an eye appointment for me. My eyes are getting shittier. I was annoyed with her because we were going to make appointments together so she could help me pick out new glasses. I don't want to pick out new ones on my own. I think I'll need a second opinion.

She told me she wasn't going to be there to help me out. She's flying out to Vancouver that afternoon Your grandma is in coma she tells me. WTF? It's all happening so fast. She had a stroke on Wednesday or Thursday and she was doing ok but now it's worse. It's my mom's dad. He was in Chicago doing something for work. He had to fly from there to Vancouver. My mom said he was crying on the phone.

This was all very hard to hear over the phone at work. Then she tells me I should probably take my dog to the vet. She has all this shit coming out of her nose. It's actually plugging up her nose. I couldn't help but think. OMG what if I have to put my dog down. No one is here to give me support. Can I do that on my own? I don't think I can. Most importantly this isn't something i want to do on my own. And of course there were thoughts of death for my grandma as well. It was really great to have this all racing through my mind at work for 5 hours.

I got home from work and literally picked my dog's nose. It was gross. I had to get tweezers and use them. The stuff was crusted and hard. I had to soften it up. The thing that really tugged at my heart was that she let me do it. She didn't fuss, she didn't try to pull away or be difficult as she always is. She just lay there, i got the feeling there isn't any fight left in her.

Do bad things happen together because it would be too hard to deal with if they happened all the time? I'm beginning to wonder about that. For the past little while it's seemed any time i need help or support or need to not be alone there's been no one around. I'm wondering if it's a sign. "Just deal with your shit yourself" someone is trying to tell me. "You're strong you can do it", they might be saying.

If you don't deal with the hard things in your life on your own i guess you'll never know what you're made of. Things just get hard, it's part of life, i'd better get used to it.