Something

Something's up with me.I dont know what it is. I feel...antsy, restless...not right. I feel like i want a change. but i don't know what that would be.

I asked someone at work if she was thinking of moving out of her parent's house and we should find a place together. WTF? i can't believe i did that. But then i started thinking how awsome that would be and the fun we'd have. I'm too poor to live on my own as of yet.

Maybe this all has to do with the fact that i cashed my inheritance cheque. I wasn't right for a few days before and after...maybe i'm still not right. it feels like blood money. someone had to die for me to get that money. it's not right. i miss my grandma. i would gladly stay in debt to have her back. the really weird thing is the teller who cashed the cheque at the bank looked so much like my grandma. i'm not normally one of those people who look for "signs" or stupid shit like that. but she really did resemble her. she was fatter than my grandma and had red hair (my grandma had blondeish white hair) but her facial features, and her fingernails and even how she looked at me reminded me so much of her. it was a weird experience. i wanted to get away from there as fast as i could but at the same time i didn't want to leave.

my school debt has been erased like it never happened with some money left over as well. it could be considered the "silver lining" but not from where i'm sitting.

maybe that coupled with hearing my parents talking about moving made me ask my work friend if she wanted to get a place with me. maybe that and the fact that i have such a strong urge to create my own space OTHER than a fucking bedroom in my current living situation.

I hate my bedroom right now. I decided I'm going to paint it blue. I have a half finished mural on one of my walls and i haven't decided if i'm going to paint over it. but i'm definitely changing the wall color. i need a change. and i'm definitely going to get on refinishing my fucking bed which i got fabric for, for my BIRTHDAY which is coming up to almost A YEAR AGO. I'm so sick of sleeping on a matress on top of a box spring. I think i'm going to get some new sheets. really expensive ones. and i think i'm going to get janice to make me a new duvet cover with really expensive fabric. where is a good place to get nice sheets. i'm talking really soft you dont' want to get out of bed because it feels so good kind of fabric. i saw some ones i wanted to get from overstock.com but then found out they dont' deliver to canada, FUCKERS! I wish i had a friend in the US who i could just use as a mailing address so they could send me shit.

First i'll focus on getting the blue penguin set up so i can have friends over and not have to all cram in the current tv room WITH my parents sitting right there. that will be really nice.

I'm going to ikea this weekend. i need something for my room. some sort of unit for my tv and some storage. i also need some book shelves. i'm so sick of things looking messy and not organized. i need the book shelves for all my empty bottles i use for glass work and all my movies.

i just need......something. i don't know what it is, i don't know how i'm going to figure it out, i just know that a day will come when it all makes sense and everything will come together. i hate those people who say well make it happen. how do you make something happen when you have no idea what you need or want?

i hate that i'm one of those people who never knows what they want or where they want to be. if you asked me where i saw myself in 3 years, i'd say i have no clue. I recently had to write a job description for myself outlining my goals and what i want to do. i had no clue what to write. i didn't know what i wanted to do. i knew what i did NOT want to do which is all fine and great but you need to be able to suggest alternatives. it was hard. i threw something together, i'm not even sure if i like what i threw together. maybe i'm just indecisive. not quite good enough at any particular thing that's good for a career. i also really hate those people who know what they want to do with the rest of their life. why does it get to be so easy for them? what did i do in a past life that i have such a confusing life this time around?

i can't even decide if i want to delete this post or not