I'm a Magnet

My dog has decided to leave me too. She died on Friday morning. I really miss her.

I'm starting to feel like some sort of death magnet. In less than a year my favorite grandma has died, my boss's mother died, another co-worker's dad died, my other grandma died and my dog has died. 3/5 deaths happened this month. I've decided I HATE APRIL. shitty fucking month.

I'm having a hard time with this. I had to deal with my grandma and dog dying all by myself. My parents were in british columbia with my grandma when she died. When i found my dog dead it was awful. i did'nt know what to do. i just sat there and cried. thoughts were racing through my mind: was she in pain? why wasn't i there when she died? i'll never touch her again, i'll never bath her, groom her, walk her, yell at her to get out of the garbage or watch her fish in the pond ever again. I'll never anything with her again. It's weird not having her around here.

It was hard enough with my grandma dying but why my dog too? someone really fucking hates me that's for sure. what the hell is this shit? let's wipe out her last remaining grandparents and then her closest companion just to make sure she's fucked up. nice, real nice. And why did I have to do it all alone? This has been by far the hardest thing i've ever had to do on my own.

I must have looked like a moron in the vet's office too. I didn't know what to do with her body. She still had tubes hooked up to her so I took her to the vet. I walked in there carrying her dead body in a kitty litter box. yes, you read right, the box was for the piss bag that was hooked up to her you know what. I walked in there and the chick said oh is she still layed out and i said, "she's dead" she said oh want me to take her? I handed her my dead dog. two seconds later she wants to know if i want to cremate her and if i want the ashes and how do i want to pay for everything. Now i'm not opposed to paying for services but have a fucking heart i walked into your room with my fucking dead dog, i've obviously been crying my eyes out and can barely talk to you, you could probably send me the bill in the mail instead of not even giving me 5 minutes. fucker! I now do not like that chick whoever she was and thank god she's not my vet.

I'll miss my dog. We've always had dogs but 10 years ago i talked my dad into letting me get a dog. I saved up my own money and bought her myself. She was my dog. I trained her, she was my first really big responsibility. We grew up together. she was my best friend. She loved me and I her. She wasn't the healthiest dog and i hope she feels a lot better and I hope she didn't go through a lot of pain, i wish i could have done more for her.

It's funy, i feel like i've lost a lot. I feel kind of empty. I have a hard time smiling. I'm emotionally exhausted. I just want to lay in bed and never get up again. everything just sucks. I'm at the bottom and as they say things can only get better. or can they?....