I Don't Know

Today I spent more than half the day feeling like I was going to cry. I feel like an idiot at work. I feel totally lost. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I wonder why the fuck I'm still around. My boss pisses me off she can't explain anything and then makes me feel stupid for not fucking knowing how to do something.

It makes me think I should start looking for another job. I have no idea wtf to look for. My mom says maybe you should go back to school for more training. TRAINING FOR WHAT I say, she had no answer. Why the hell can't I just know what I'm meant to do and start doing it. This doesn't feel right. Is it just that I'm not particularly fond of feeling like I don't know what I'm doing? Could be. But right now I feel horrible. I feel absolutely like shit. I just want to curl up and die. How do I get myself out of this?

I feel like I've lost some friends. People I could talk to. I feel like I won't be close with them anymore. I'm sick of being stressed. And I think being stressed makes me sick. I just want stuff to go right and work out for me for once. What do I do? Why isn't there someone who can just tell me? I feel lost but I know where I am. I feel like when I turn a corner some asshole is going to be there to knock me on the ground and kick me when I'm down. I'm tired all the time. I'm constantly having troubles falling asleep. And then I wake up before my alarm. I need my sleep. If it's a choice between eating or sleeping, sleeping all the way! I miss my sleep. I'm sure my sleep misses me.

I miss my dog. I miss hearing her nails clicking on the floor as she was constantly pacing and searching for food. It drove me insane but now I miss it. Sometimes I stop and realize I was listening for it and getting ready to yell at her to lay the fuck down. I miss her unusually soft hair. I miss all the compliments I got about her. I even miss grooming her. She always looked so good even when I fucked it up and cut something wrong or too short or missed a piece. No one ever noticed but me. I miss her.

I miss having grandparents. I didn't talk to them nearly enough. I didn't get to have the relationship with them that I should have. I want to turn back time with the knowledge that I have now and change so many things. I wish I was smart enough to be able to do that. I know my grandparents are so much better off but I don't care. I want them back. I know I'm selfish and I don't care.

My life is too short to be feeling so aweful for so long. I just want it all to end. I even feel bad for making whoever is reading this feel depressed.