Guilt

Guilt is a crazy powerful emotion/feeling/whatever it is! It keeps you up at night, it makes you cry, it consumes that majority of your thoughts. I never really knew what feeling guilty actually felt like until recently. Oh sure in the short time known as my existance i've felt guilty about one thing or another. But when you think back on it those instances were really quite insignificant compared to what I'm feeling now.

I'm pretty much going to do anything at all costs to avoid new guilt. more than one guilty thought is just way too much to handle. and another thing, guilt is such a hard thing to get over. you feel so awful about something how do you let it go? people may try to explain it away and yes it does sound quite logical and they might have some very good reasons why you shouldn't feel guilty but that never helps does it? nope not at all. so take it from me AVOID GUILT AT ALL COSTS!

On a not so crappy note i've decided that i don't think old people are packrats. care for an explanation? ok well recently my father came home from bc and he brought me about 10 crochet needles and some of that yarn stuff that my grandma had in her appartment (the one who died). first off i dont' remember her EVER crocheting and she not once mentioned it to me. second, i will never need these needles i have no urge to crochet and i probably NEVER will until i myself become board and look for things to occupy my time. but for the life of me i can't bring myself to just chuck them or give them away...its something of my grandmas. so i will keep them stowed away unused for the simple fact that they were hers.

Now to my point, i think old people are like that. they keep crap that to you makes no sense and you say why don't you just get rid of that. but to them it means something. could bring back memories, could be from someone dear to them that died. You don't know but to them its important. and since they're old they've had the chance to come in contact with quite a few people.

Of course some of them are a bit of a packrat but i think that's the generation that had to deal with the depression and hard times. they save things that you and i would throw out because that was their mentality and how they grew up. and we all know its hard to give up a thought process for a new one. I don't know maybe i'm wrong its just a theory of mine. and besides even if i'm wrong, isn't it one of the funnest things looking in all the nooks and crannies of an old person's home? you never know what gem you're going to find!

I'm in bc right now and won't be back until the following saturday. i'm visiting my last remaining grandparent. i think that wherever i go i bring bad weather. just before i got here there was a heat wave and it was so nice...today as i've woken up its overcast and looks as though its going to rain. last time i was here it was nice before i was here and then when i came it fucking rained practically the whole time. what the shit is that?