I'm a Magnet

My dog has decided to leave me too. She died on Friday morning. I really miss her.

I'm starting to feel like some sort of death magnet. In less than a year my favorite grandma has died, my boss's mother died, another co-worker's dad died, my other grandma died and my dog has died. 3/5 deaths happened this month. I've decided I HATE APRIL. shitty fucking month.

I'm having a hard time with this. I had to deal with my grandma and dog dying all by myself. My parents were in british columbia with my grandma when she died. When i found my dog dead it was awful. i did'nt know what to do. i just sat there and cried. thoughts were racing through my mind: was she in pain? why wasn't i there when she died? i'll never touch her again, i'll never bath her, groom her, walk her, yell at her to get out of the garbage or watch her fish in the pond ever again. I'll never anything with her again. It's weird not having her around here.

It was hard enough with my grandma dying but why my dog too? someone really fucking hates me that's for sure. what the hell is this shit? let's wipe out her last remaining grandparents and then her closest companion just to make sure she's fucked up. nice, real nice. And why did I have to do it all alone? This has been by far the hardest thing i've ever had to do on my own.

I must have looked like a moron in the vet's office too. I didn't know what to do with her body. She still had tubes hooked up to her so I took her to the vet. I walked in there carrying her dead body in a kitty litter box. yes, you read right, the box was for the piss bag that was hooked up to her you know what. I walked in there and the chick said oh is she still layed out and i said, "she's dead" she said oh want me to take her? I handed her my dead dog. two seconds later she wants to know if i want to cremate her and if i want the ashes and how do i want to pay for everything. Now i'm not opposed to paying for services but have a fucking heart i walked into your room with my fucking dead dog, i've obviously been crying my eyes out and can barely talk to you, you could probably send me the bill in the mail instead of not even giving me 5 minutes. fucker! I now do not like that chick whoever she was and thank god she's not my vet.

I'll miss my dog. We've always had dogs but 10 years ago i talked my dad into letting me get a dog. I saved up my own money and bought her myself. She was my dog. I trained her, she was my first really big responsibility. We grew up together. she was my best friend. She loved me and I her. She wasn't the healthiest dog and i hope she feels a lot better and I hope she didn't go through a lot of pain, i wish i could have done more for her.

It's funy, i feel like i've lost a lot. I feel kind of empty. I have a hard time smiling. I'm emotionally exhausted. I just want to lay in bed and never get up again. everything just sucks. I'm at the bottom and as they say things can only get better. or can they?....

She took her leave

She's gone. I miss her already. I'm told her death was painless, but sometimes I wonder if that's what they always say. I guess I'd say that too.

My grandma was an awesome grandma. I don't think I ever told her that but she was. She always made my favorite foods when she knew I was coming over...ok my brother's too, not just me. She always had little fancy cups of jellow or pudding waiting for dessert. She always did fun craft things with us too. She was in no way a "cool" grandma but I don't think they ever are. She cared a lot about us grandkids and showed it. Grandparents are the best thing, everyone should get to experience that.

My dog isn't getting any better and every morning I wake up and look for signs of breathing. Is it bad I'm expecting her to be dead? I suppose it should be positive thinking not thoughts of death.

How Much Can You Handle?

You never really know how much you can handle until a whole pile of things are thrown at you. Can you do it? Can you take it all on and not go crazy? Maybe. Maybe not. You won't know until you try.

I called my mom on Friday at noon to find out when she made an eye appointment for me. My eyes are getting shittier. I was annoyed with her because we were going to make appointments together so she could help me pick out new glasses. I don't want to pick out new ones on my own. I think I'll need a second opinion.

She told me she wasn't going to be there to help me out. She's flying out to Vancouver that afternoon Your grandma is in coma she tells me. WTF? It's all happening so fast. She had a stroke on Wednesday or Thursday and she was doing ok but now it's worse. It's my mom's dad. He was in Chicago doing something for work. He had to fly from there to Vancouver. My mom said he was crying on the phone.

This was all very hard to hear over the phone at work. Then she tells me I should probably take my dog to the vet. She has all this shit coming out of her nose. It's actually plugging up her nose. I couldn't help but think. OMG what if I have to put my dog down. No one is here to give me support. Can I do that on my own? I don't think I can. Most importantly this isn't something i want to do on my own. And of course there were thoughts of death for my grandma as well. It was really great to have this all racing through my mind at work for 5 hours.

I got home from work and literally picked my dog's nose. It was gross. I had to get tweezers and use them. The stuff was crusted and hard. I had to soften it up. The thing that really tugged at my heart was that she let me do it. She didn't fuss, she didn't try to pull away or be difficult as she always is. She just lay there, i got the feeling there isn't any fight left in her.

Do bad things happen together because it would be too hard to deal with if they happened all the time? I'm beginning to wonder about that. For the past little while it's seemed any time i need help or support or need to not be alone there's been no one around. I'm wondering if it's a sign. "Just deal with your shit yourself" someone is trying to tell me. "You're strong you can do it", they might be saying.

If you don't deal with the hard things in your life on your own i guess you'll never know what you're made of. Things just get hard, it's part of life, i'd better get used to it.

Angriest of Angry

Have you ever been so full of anger it consumes you? You can't even imagine not being angry. It could even be the littlest thing that sets you off. but its that little thing over and over and over again. You know it's stupid but you just can't help it. the anger slowly creeps into your every being. until you're almost shaking with complete genuine anger.

I think i have anger issues.