Guilt

Guilt is a crazy powerful emotion/feeling/whatever it is! It keeps you up at night, it makes you cry, it consumes that majority of your thoughts. I never really knew what feeling guilty actually felt like until recently. Oh sure in the short time known as my existance i've felt guilty about one thing or another. But when you think back on it those instances were really quite insignificant compared to what I'm feeling now.

I'm pretty much going to do anything at all costs to avoid new guilt. more than one guilty thought is just way too much to handle. and another thing, guilt is such a hard thing to get over. you feel so awful about something how do you let it go? people may try to explain it away and yes it does sound quite logical and they might have some very good reasons why you shouldn't feel guilty but that never helps does it? nope not at all. so take it from me AVOID GUILT AT ALL COSTS!

On a not so crappy note i've decided that i don't think old people are packrats. care for an explanation? ok well recently my father came home from bc and he brought me about 10 crochet needles and some of that yarn stuff that my grandma had in her appartment (the one who died). first off i dont' remember her EVER crocheting and she not once mentioned it to me. second, i will never need these needles i have no urge to crochet and i probably NEVER will until i myself become board and look for things to occupy my time. but for the life of me i can't bring myself to just chuck them or give them away...its something of my grandmas. so i will keep them stowed away unused for the simple fact that they were hers.

Now to my point, i think old people are like that. they keep crap that to you makes no sense and you say why don't you just get rid of that. but to them it means something. could bring back memories, could be from someone dear to them that died. You don't know but to them its important. and since they're old they've had the chance to come in contact with quite a few people.

Of course some of them are a bit of a packrat but i think that's the generation that had to deal with the depression and hard times. they save things that you and i would throw out because that was their mentality and how they grew up. and we all know its hard to give up a thought process for a new one. I don't know maybe i'm wrong its just a theory of mine. and besides even if i'm wrong, isn't it one of the funnest things looking in all the nooks and crannies of an old person's home? you never know what gem you're going to find!

I'm in bc right now and won't be back until the following saturday. i'm visiting my last remaining grandparent. i think that wherever i go i bring bad weather. just before i got here there was a heat wave and it was so nice...today as i've woken up its overcast and looks as though its going to rain. last time i was here it was nice before i was here and then when i came it fucking rained practically the whole time. what the shit is that?

I'M PISSED OFF BECAUSE I DIDN'T GO TO JANICE'S AND I DIDN'T GET FUCKING DRUNK

I'M PISSED OFF

ONE HUNDRED!!!!!!

THIS IS MY 100TH POST

I feel like it should be about something special...but alas not much special about me today.

I was in such a bad mood, everything was pissing me off. People talking around me were too loud when i was trying to look like i was working when i really wasn't. i couldn't even concentrate on reading my marketing articles. so that really pissed me off. New Chick's stupid questions pissed me off. I was pissed off cuz i was bored and had nothing to do. I was pissed off because they're hiring new people and yet again I'm still stuck at the bottom of corporate ladder. I was pissed off because i feel like there's no room for me to move up at this company. i was pissed off because if there's no where for me to move up wtf am i fucking doing at this company? I was pissed off because i couldn't find what i was looking for. i was pissed of because my friend and i can't seem to have a conversation without having some sort of fight. i was pissed of because on my way home from work some fucker cut me off and i could have been KILLED. fucker. FUCKING FUCKER!

so that was my pissed off day in a nutshell. i'm fucking glad its the godamed weekend that's for sure. I'm going to go up to janice's house and get drunk!

I have to what?

I'm going to a party on saturday where i was told that i need to write some sort of thing about how this birthday person has effected my life or a funny story or something. fucking ghey. i don't know what to say. i tried to write something today at work when i was bored out of my mind and it sucked. sucked hard core. i'll tell you this, i hope to hell that no one EVER EVER EVER asks me to do a speach or something like that cuz it will be the lamest fucking thing ever. i don't like giving speaches anyway. they're always so boring and so am i so that's not the greatest combination.

meh i'm looking forward to it since there will be awsome food!!

my god i really have nothing to say...at all...how was your day?

Thanks All

Thank you all for your kind words!

I've found out the hard way that you should NOT dry shave your legs. I did that yesterday and it was not cool. My legs hurt so fucking much. I don't get it, I've dry shaved before and it never hurt this much. fucking weird.

I finished reading Angels and Demons, its was a great book. So full of action. I definitely recommend this book. I'm glad i've gotten back into reading. i used to all the time but then once in college i just did so much reading i couldn't handle anything extra.

I don't quite understand the whole book on tape thing or online. There's something about turning the pages of a book that you really can't replace. And the smell of a brand new book, you can't get that from a tape...

I got burnt yesterday, not badly but still i can feel the burning. I think its weird that burnt shoulders makes you feel cold. anytime i get burnt it always makes me shiver. does that happen to you or am i just a freak with weird skin?

One of janice's kids called me a sexual predator because i kept jerseying her. i was in shock, i was like what did you just call me? and she repeated it. WTF? i said janice wtf is wrong with your kids matilda just called me a sexual predator. janice said to her, do you know what that is? and she stuttered and didn't know what to say. then she said it was someone who took people's clothes off. Janice said "I'll tell you what it is later"

It was matilda's birthday yesterday. she took in an amazing haul. the cost of presents has definitely gone up since my day of birthday parties. $20.00 was the absolute most people would pay. but holy SHIT the crap she got was crazy. I felt bad, i gave her two where's waldo books and a cooking book. it was the last thing she opened and you know what? it was the only thing she wanted to play with right away AND her and her friends were fighting over it. HAHAHHAHAHA after getting tons of fucking toys it was books she was crazy about. HOLLA TO THE BOOKS THEY STILL PREVAIL!

What's Up With Me

A week ago on Thursday my grandma died. My favorite one. I know you shouldn’t have favorites but everyone does and if they say differently they’re lying! I also found out at the same time that my other grandma is at the hospital in critical condition. They say things come in threes so I’m waiting for more bad news. I called my friend crying I think that night. I don’t cry. She must have been really concerned since I never do that. It was good that I was able to talk to her though and just have someone to talk to.

Then on Friday when I got to work I had an email from another friend asking if we were going to hang out. I thought about it and decided I just wanted to be alone. But when she found out about my grandma I had no choice in the matter. She and I were to hang out, watch movies, and have a “sleepover”. I didn’t really want to but you can’t argue with her. And now I’m extremely glad she did that. It really helped to have someone to talk to and just keep my mind occupied instead of sitting around thinking about my grandma. She really knows me well. It’s nice to have friends who know you sometimes better than you know yourself. She’d better since we’ve been friends since the summer of grade 5.

On another note I recently realized I have a nickname. My name isn’t one that a nickname is easily made from but I just realized someone at work was calling me a nickname. I never even noticed until now. So now I can say I actually have a nickname. And Sissy that one you call me doesn’t count since we were sitting around talking about it and you just started calling me that name because I said I didn’t like it. SO THERE! My best friend doesn’t even have a nickname for me lol so it’s funny. And I find it funny that I just noticed because this chick has been calling me this for a long time now. I think its because its so close to my actual name that I never really paid that much attention. And no i'm not going to tell you what it is!

Right now I feel extremely tired and worn out. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to work today, who knows.

Sorry

I am so sorry i really hate it when people don't post at least 3 times a week. I get so bored at work i NEED those posts to keep me sane! This is the first time i've had more than 5 minutes on the computer in that last i don't know how long to be able to post. my brother is always on this computer.

I had a very nice weekend indeedly! Saturday my bestest came over and we had a party with fireworks and swimming and of course drinking. it was great and nice to hang with her again. its been a very long ass time! there was nudity, laughs and drinking, a great time.

Sunday i went to a bonfire which sucked monkey dick hardcore until my friend's friends got the fuck out of there and we could talk. they were annoying as FUCK and i dont get why she likes the one guy in the group he's such a fucking asshole FUCK. she's moving and it was our "one last fire". its going to be so weird her not living there anymore. she's lived there ever since i've known her...10 years or so. it will be weirder for her since she's literally lived there her whole life. so sad, i'm going to miss that place!

Then today we decided to go out to belfountain and see what it looked like in the daylight. last time we were there we went at night its really nice there. a nice little town. we decided we would totally live there.

i'm not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. my boss will be away all week and all i have to look forward to is being bored as FUCK since she won't be there to give me shit to do.

well i really don't have much to say...how was your long weekend?