LAME

Its official I'm Lame

i can only jog at a fast pace for 12:25 minutes. so LAME!

and this is my third week...i've WORKED UP TO 12 minutes. god...so lame

it all started when i puked a little in my mouth at the sight of myself. (ok not really but you get how bad it was)

so instead of just complaining about it or avoiding mirrors altogether which btw works to an extent, i decided to do something about it.

what am i doing? i'm "jogging" on one of those elipticle machines. i can't handle running on pavement. more like my back can't handle it. now something that has me worried is this machine isn't like normal running. for one thing it makes you lift your legs way higher than you would if you were running on pavement. so the part that has me worried is my quads feel like i'm building them instead of doing cardio to shed this disgusting fat hanging off my body. today i pushed myself to my legs almost giving out. holy lord my quad muscles felt like balloons ready to burst.

so what i dont like is the fact that yes i have giant legs from fat but under that fat there is actually a large amount of muscle and it feels like i'm building more muscle there and i already have a hard enough time finding pants to fit my thighs in the first place. so ya...back to my point today after my "workout" they felt the tightest ever I JUST WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT NOT BUILD MORE MUSCLE!!!!

i guess i'm stuck with it for now since i have no other options. i could go to the gym at work but i don't like people seeing me workout. it just bothers me! plus i work there for 8 hours i just want to leave when its quitting time.

for all you damn optimists out there i'll say this. when i started out i could barely do 10 minutes at a SLOW ASS pace. least now i can maintain a fast pace for 12 minutes even if it does kill me

one thing i've noticed is music is VITAL. so is that "now playing" feature on windows media player where it has some weird light show to the music...i find i can watch that and forget that my quads are screaming at me.

Anycrap there is my convincing reason why i'm so fucking lame. you know you agree! JUST AGREE!!!

Nice Day

Today was a nice day. it was nice and sunny out, cold but still pretty.

i slept in woke up showered went upstairs and started a new project. both my parents said it was neat looking but i don't really trust their opinion...they're my parents what else are they going to say...oh that sucks what the hell are you doing?..ya i dont think so.

anyway then we went out to lens mills to pick some new fabric to re-upholster my bed frame. i love this bed frame. its made to come out of the corner of a room. it was carpeted before which was so dated and it smelt like old people so i've wanted to redo this for a long time.

after lots of walking around searching and searching i found something i really like. my first instict was to go with something blue since blue is the best color and nothing is as good. but then i decided against it. i wanted something timeless, classy, and elegant. as well as something that was somewhat neutral to make it easy to decorate around. blue is hard to do that with. besides i'd much rather have fun finding blue accents. for example i saw some awsome fabric for pillows so HOLLA. and what goes better with blue than gold? (the color of my new fabric) well its gold and creme so not all gold and tacky. in fact this fabric reminds me of something you'd see in a really extremely expensive hotel. well anyway i like it. an di'll have fun picking fabrics to create pillows and such around it.

this bed is also cool, as i said it was made to come out of the corner of a room. it was designed by the guy who designed and built the CN Tower. i say that's pretty cool in itself. i think the main reason i like it is because you don't often see bed frames that are made to come out of the corner of a room. i like having things that not many other people have. i hate having the same thing as someone else...i'm a leader not a follower!!!...well most times haha.

today was my first day dealing with the three dogs. it was annoying. they fucking jump up all the time and it seems the owner doesn't believe in cutting a dog's nails so they've become like these sharp needle like talons. very painful to say the least. i had to resort to smacking one on the nose a couple times...yelling did nothing. she got the message after awhile. i dont normally resort to that but some dogs just don't get it. and it seem she is not one to get it. she constantly is provoking the alpha female. which i found amusing and highly entertaining. she knows she's going to piss off that alpha female and eventually get her ass kicked but she still does it anyway. interesting.

then i came home and had a rye and coke. i havn't had rye in so long. i forgot how smooth it was and how YUMMY! mmm i might have to add that to my collection that i'm starting to assemble. slowly but surely. i tried a new wine on friday. it was really great, one produced in niagara on the lake. very sweet tasting.

well anyway i can't even think of anything else i did interesting how i didn't really do anything but had a great day...cool!!

Damn Oranges!!!

I did it again…I peeled and ate an orange. All I can smell is fucking oranges. It’s all over my hands. I washed my hands but to no avail. In fact I washed them a couple times. What is that shit and why does it stay on your hands for so long? I think it gets into your blood stream or something and stays there forever. And the more oranges you eat the more like an orange you become. Ok so not really but I’m bored and I started to ramble there for a minute.

Today’s word:

Munificent (myoo-NIF-i-suhnt): Lavish: very generous; "his father gave him a half-dollar and his mother a quarter and he thought them munificent.”

Yesterday I saw a man who was treating a group of children munificently. It was really nice to see someone just being generous. I thought to myself wow, that’s really munificent of him. And it was. I’m pretty sure I’d never be that munificent with total strangers whether they’re children or not. I mean kids just don’t appreciate stuff anyway. So screw them. I’d probably feel the same way if they were my own kids too. They can be so ungrateful for so long. Its infuriating.

Then I saw this man who was giving such munificent things to these kids lead them to what is fondly known by my friends and I as a “pedophile van”. You know the ones...large cube van with NO windows. Usually some non distinct color. I thought to myself I hope he’s just going to restock his munificent gifts because there were so many kids. He couldn’t ACTUALLY be a pedophile could he?

Ok so I just made that all up…except for munificent…I bet you’ll remember that word now for awhile. Go on give it a whirl, try it out on someone and see if they know what it means or for that matter have ever heard it used. I’m willing to bet no.

Today I think we pissed of TCG. We went out to get some Chinese take out for lunch and not only did we walk right by him to go to the car but none of us even made eye contact. I don’t really care but it was funny because he made a bunch of sandwiches in the lunchroom then just left without even saying anything to us. We were like “oh well”. But it’s funny because he literally has all the stuff to make a sandwich at work here in the fridge. A bottle of mustard, a package of meat, buns…and whatever else I don’t’ even remember. When I saw that I thought “so HE’S the bastard taking up all the fucking room in the fridge.

I think I’m going to end this shitty post now before it gets worse!

HAVE A NICE WEEKEND ALL!!!

Randomness

* I've decided i'm probably the laziest person around. I walk in a way so that i barely have to lift my legs. this results in tripping on nothing but the carpet and looking like a moron tripping on nothing. my remedy: shoes with a very slippery bottom

* Some great conversation enders are: whatever, fine, ok, alright, i cut my toe earlier and my shoe is filling up with blood

* It annoys me when people say "you have a good heart". how do they know? are they a cardiologist, i don't think so. I'm convinced people say that because they're not sure what else to say.

* I know this makes me an asshole but i don't care : i can't stand people with speech impediments (sp?) i just can't get over it. i spend the whole time watching how their tongue just doesn't go right to form that "s" sound or the "th" sound. it bugs me so much that i would never be friends with someone who has one. i just can't get over it. i don't know why it bothers me.

* I have a new project i want to work on but i'm stuck on how to start it. Its bugging me. It would be nice if i had someone to make it for so i could get some guidance.

* My webcam is somewhere around here but i can't find it. i have no idea where it is i feel like i've looked everywhere. of course when i do find it (if ever) it will most likely be in a painfully throw yourself off a cliff obvious place.

* I hate it when people who's blogs i read don't update them daily. I need something to fill the monotony of my boring ass job. its really rather inconsiderate of those people. no i'm not a hypocrite for saying that since i have like one person who reads my blog on a semi-regular basis.

* I want to get to the point where i can buy most things i feel like i need or really want without really even thinking about how much it will cost.

* I am a really cheap person and never spend any money on myself except when i absolutely have to. The one exception is anything to do with an art project i happen to be working on at the time.

* Tomorrow i'm probably going to put another post-it in the supply room which reads "i know what you did last summer" its pretty damn corny considering that was the name of a horror movie that wasn't scary. but that's why i like it.

* I wonder what it would feel like to punch someone in the face. I know it will hurt but i still want to know.

* I wonder what it feels like to be in a car that rolls or flips in the road or into a ditch. will it feel like just being in a moving car, or flying?

* I've always wanted to be able to fly. none of this hand gliding or parasailing shit, actually FLY. like a bird maybe. or even one of those crazy flying squirrels. i know they just glide but WHATEVER its still closer to flying than i'll ever get. doing it in a plane just doesn't cut it!

* I wish i could turn off people's msn names, a lot of them right now are totally lame and i don't even want to talk to the person cuz i hate their name so much. of course i would never say anything to them since i'm sure my name pisses people off at times, and yes i do put names up i know will piss people off to get back at them for pissing me off with one of their lame ass names.

* Have you ever sat and thought about all the things that just happened in your life that you never really noticed happened? i was watching a show that made me think of this. many people start off in a marriage saying they'll never do this or that and they really mean it and believe it. then with time, lots of time, it ends up happening. they didn't even realize it until its too late. then what do you do? its something that worries me about marriage. i see things about people's marriages that makes me think "doesn't that piss you off? i'll never let that happen, or go on, or go on without me saying anything." but then i think, i bet they said that to themselves too but it just happend. i mean you don't choose to let your "other" be the way they are. its interesting, sad, and worrisome at the same time.

* I wish i hadn't agreed to take care of a co-worker's 3 dogs while he was away at mardi gras. he's paying me like 30 bucks a day and that's such a rip off to me. its going to be a lot of work and will cut into my sleeping time which is NOT cool at all. oh well its money and his dogs are really nice, plus he has satelite and xbox so i guess i can do that. and it gives me time to work on my new project IF I CAN EVER FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO.

* People don't say "how are you?" and mean it enough. have you noticed how its like a scripted conversation?
C0-worker: good morning how are you?
You: i'm fine and you?
CO-worker: good
You: That's good!
....and that's it. could you imagine the reaction you'd get if you just started pouring out your heart to someone who asked you that? No one expects to hear how the person ACTUALLY is. i think that would be funny.

* I'm bored of this now, i'm sure i'll re-read it later and think "LAMEEEEE"....................................whatever

Nice Weekend

In november at my xmas party i won a pair of tickets to see the lord of the rings at the princess of wales theatre and a one night stay at the courtyard by Marriott hotel with a free breakfast. That was saturday night.

I elected to take a friend who loves lord of the rings probably more than i do. What a great idea!!! another plus about taking her is she knows toronto really well and we saved money by taking the subway.

Unfortunately we got lost on the way there so we only had time for a shower and then we had to leave for the show. so we took the subway a few blocks before the theatre and thought it best to walk underground to the theatre instead of outside since it was frost bite cold out.....we got lost. so, we came up to see where the hell we were. ok so we figured it out and we weren't off track.

so we start walking in the direction we THOUGHT was the theatre, we soon find out that we were walking in the opposite direction...we hooked up with a cab. because of the cab we made it to the theatre with ten minutes to spare. enough time for her to grab a quick smoke and to find our seats.

none of us had any idea where our seats were so we went to some chick standing around telling people where their seats were. according to her we had to go to some other guy who told us to go ALL THE FUCKING WAY to the top...the balcony. we get up there and another person tells us where to go. so we go down there and can't find our seats. we make a hole GIANT row of people stand up so we can pass them. we get to the end FINALLY and say fuck it and go back up to one of the fucking morons who told us to go down there in the first place.

what does she tell us????? "oh yoru seats are up at the front on the first floor" HUH WTF DID ALL THOSE MORONS TELL US???? like 3 people all were not able to fucking read our godamed tickets. i'm convinced you have to be illiterate to work at the princess of wales theatre.

Well thanks to no one who works there except for the nice chick who told us we were in the wrong place, we found our seats.

Over all the show was pretty great. I wasn't fond of some of the dialogue changes they made. but again i'm a diehard for the movies. this play was more true to the books which i haven't finished reading. i was however extremely surprised with some of the characters and effects they were able to pull off with just lights, pulleys, props, makeup and so on. very surprised!

The guy who played gandalf managed to piss off me and my friend. he was so annoying. at times he seemed to forget his lines...i don't know if he was pausing for dramatic effect, if so it was lost on me. and when he wasn't forgetting his lines he was literally saying every single line he has as fast as humanly possible. so fast in fact i had a rather hard time making out what he was saying. most times he really just ended up pissing me off.

the guy who played gollum was annoying too. he looked like he was having multiple seizures all the time. HELLO did you not see the movies? gollum wasn't all fidgety like that, get a clue. you'd think these actors would research A BIT.

Those annoying things aside it was a great experience. i've never been to a production like that and dont think i ever will again. and if i do i dont think i'll ever have such awsome seats...we were about 10 rows from the stage. it was pretty sweet.

we left, walked to union station so i could see what it looks like, went back to the hotel and had pizza and ended up staying up way too late catching up and just talking. it was really great. not something we've done in awhile and something i've been missing. so on all levels it was a great weekend. i wish it wasn't so damn cold. that was bad!!!

A Fond Farewell...

About 2 or 3 weeks ago, i can't remember, i put a post it note up in the supply room on a cabinet door that simply said "what?".

over the next few days there appeared several other words on this little yellow square of sticky paper. things like "where", "when", "how". and various other words, some including french. don't even get me started on fucking french people!!!!!!

today marks a sad day, someone took it down and threw it out. it lasted longer than my other two post its combined. something as simple as "what?" got so much attention.

Well i've learned that the supply room is a good location and i intend on putting another post it there. I'm thinking one that says "do not look up" or maybe something that makes absolutely no sense at all like...."chairs and cars, you never know!" ok that one was lame but i only had two seconds to think about it. oh well i have all day to think about it instead of working. I've moved onto writing about painters. very hard. i don't know if i can do it. 485 sentences have to be written.

i moved again today for the fifth time. this had better be the last. but this is by far the best spot i've had. i have a huge window all to myself and no one NO ONE can see my screen or sneak up behind me. so sweet.

for the past few days i have had to endure lunch ALONE WITH TALL CREEPY GUY. fuck it seems like the chicks of the 1pm lunch crew have ditched me. this is so not fair i hate TCG and i don't like talking to him at all. but i have to make small talk with him at lunch cuz no one else is there. i even read a magazine and totally ignore him when he's talking and he STILL talks to me like i care about what he has to say. i know it sounds harsh but you'd resort to rudeness if you had to deal with that guy.

And i'm pretty sure that him and no neck guy are secret lovers. they're always together. they sit beside each other in their cubicle thing. they go out together and get lunch pretty much everyday. they go everywhere together. i think they make mad passionate love to each other in TCG's car while "getting lunch".

as for my back its still getting worse. it feels like there's this ball in my ribs or something. sometimes it really hurts and sometiems i don't even notice it. i've tried stretching and even running to get rid of it but NOTHING IS WORKING. this sucks.

UGH

Last night was one of those nights where you just lay there trying with all your might to just fall asleep but your brain won’t let you. Your body is tired but your brain isn’t ready to sleep just yet. It was awful. I hate nights like that. You can’t make your brain stop thinking. I was really tired too.

One of the many things that flashed through my mind was a question:

Do you ever wish people would just give up on you so you weren’t continually disappointing them? I mean what do they expect from you anyway? I just think it would make things a lot easier. If they don’t expect anything from you, anything they do get is a nice surprise. And who doesn’t enjoy a nice surprise? I know I do!

I see myself more and more becoming one of those shut-ins that never really go out except when it’s essential. No friends, family once in awhile but basically no human contact. Sometimes I think that would be great. People really annoy me so much and often piss me off. Why are people so STUPID and ANNOYING?

I think I have an anger problem. Seems like just about anything and everything can set me off. I get so mad, sometimes at stupid things. Some days nothing can get to me, others someone saying hello can piss me off. What’s with that?

Maybe it’s the things I’ve left unsaid. I leave a lot unsaid. Both good things and things that need to be said but I don’t have the energy to say them and deal with the response that inevitably comes. I suppose it’s not really a good thing considering I could die at lunch time when I go out to buy something to eat. Think about the things you just don’t say you know you should but there’s some reason you don’t. Whether you don’t have the guts to say it or you don’t want to hurt someone’s STUPID feelings. I know I have left many many things unsaid with a lot of people. Some of it I would want them to know before I died, some of it I suppose could be left unsaid. But anything I don’t say whether positive or negative I still want to say. That’s the problem these days, people are way too sensitive. What’s with that? You can’t take the truth? I guess the truth is hard to hear, but you should hear it nonetheless don’t you think?

I’m the type of person who appreciates bluntness. Just be blunt with me. Don’t sugar coat it just tell me like it is. I don’t have the time or the energy to come up with different ways of saying something just so I can cater to your feelings. Ok so there are times when certain things need to be sugar coated but for the most part if you think about it, there really aren’t a lot of occasions. Could you imagine how much easier things would be if we didn’t have to sugar coat every little thing? It would be nice. Or if people didn’t take things so personally? Wow, now that’s my dream world for sure. That and me being married to my Brad Pitt…

Oh and another thing what the hell is wrong with my back? I woke up with this really bad pain in my side and it hurts to walk. That’s just great. It’s always nice to get some mysterious pain from doing nothing. It had better go away I don’t have the patience for something like this today. Back problems are great, the ONE thing that can’t really be fixed ever. Thanks a lot god for giving us bodies that can’t be fixed, its not like I did something stupid and hurt my back IT JUST HAPPENED!!!!

A Great Time

I've been taking my time with this post because i wanted to put some thought into and not just throw something out there like every other post i do.

So it was my birthday on tuesday (the seventh) and the saturday before that..i think the fourth my bestest friend since forever had me over to her place to celebrate.

now i am not the type of person that likes to celebrate anything about myself so i was a little uncomfortable but good intentions should never go unnoticed so i took her up on it. And besides i hadn't been to her new place which i felt bad about anyway so what more of an opportunity could i ask for?

my day started out shitty by me deciding i would slice my thumb open and bleed all over the place. and you know now that i think of it if i had been watching myself doing what i did i would have been like WTF ARE YOU DOING? oh to be an outsider looking in. it was because of this that i realized i would NOT want to live without a thumb. it took me FOREVER to fucking have a shower after that. you really need your thumb for a lot of daily activities. i even had a really REALLY hard time buttoning up my jeans. Moral of the story: Have a shower and THEN slice your thumb off!!!

anyway i finally made it to her place and was surprised at how nice it was. she lives in a basement appartment and i'd always heard of how shitty and crappy they are so i didn't really have any expectations other than it would be crappy. but it was SO nice. The only thing i could complain about is those fuckers upstairs. honestly who lets their kids just fucking jump up and down on the floor when other people are living below. how rude can you be? if it were me i'd be paranoid about that. though i think sometimes i'm overly considerate of other people. for example i never close a door unless i turn the handle first so i don't make that door closing noise, sometimes its loud.

We decided we would make sushi for dinner and sangria to drink. We ended up being very surprised we could actually make the sushi. normally we'd make my dad do it because we thought it was hard. but i guess its not as hard as we thought. that was fun, very time consuming though. But you don't really notice when you're drinking and talking.

It was nice to just talk. I'm not a big talker but drunk talking is the best. you have no inhabitions and you just say stuff you normally wouldn't say. What i liked the best about it is that we talked like we used to. I don't feel like we've done that in a long time, not since our high school days. it was just a good long ass talk that lasted for hours with breaks for drinking and the bathroom.

We stayed up late, drinking, talking, watching (i use the word watching loosely since we talked through the whole movie) movies. the next day however was not so nice. of course i had to be sick. then on the way home i just had to go the wrong way and up some middle of nowhere road full of snow and drive into a fucking ditch. i don't feel AS stupid because the chick behind me did the exact same thing at the exact same time as i. All i have to say is thank god for the kindness of strangers. if it weren't for that guy in his truck pulling my little car out of the ditch i would have had to call a tow truck and who knows how fucking long that would have taken. plus counting the fact that i was on a road in the middle of nowhere. actually, come to think of it a lot of people stopped to ask if i needed a phone, or if they could just help. dont' get me wrong there were also a number of people who drove by slowly staring at our two cars sitting in the ditch, to those fuckers i say FUCK YOU AND I HOPE YOUR EYES SHRIVEL UP AND FALL OUT YOU BASTARDS!!

Those two things considered i still had a great weekend and was made to feel like i was loved and someone special. it still made me feel uncomfortable but i really appreciated it and not a lot of people would open up their home to my drunkeness and free up a whole day just for me, what i want to do, what i want to drink, what i want to eat.

So thanks to my bestest friend who i really couldn't imagine not having in my life. I think i would feel empty and like i'm missing something. and i really would be missing more than words can express. Its funny how important people become to you in your life and you don't really even realize it until you sit and think or something happens.....nothing happend i just get really fucking bored at work and have nothing better to do.....

Always MOVING!!

Its been brought to my attention that i havn't posted in awhile so i guess i'll post.

I also just noticed that my last post was my 50th SO HAPPY 50TH TO MEEEEEE.

Now down to bidnis: i was moved to another godamed spot, this is my fourth move in this godamed building. yes i'm annoyed. i hate unplugging all my computer wires and going in and out from under the desk. its annoying and something i'd rather not do.

They had to re-arrange some stupid cubicles that my desk was attached to so i was promptly moved out of the way. nice!

this was on.....oh i guess it was on tuesday. so nice birthday present to me. i get to work to find all my shit not where its supposed to be. assholes.

then today i was informed i could move back and to pick where i wanted to sit since there's a bunch more desks where my one desk once was. oh well i guess i can milk it for half an hour of not writing about nursing homes.

ya you heard me...nursing homes. did you know that most people search about nursing home abuse? that's fucked up. no one really searched about finding a good one, they want to know about all the abuse that goes on in them. nice world we live in.

In other news i just realized today that i sit across the aisle from no neck guy. THANK GOD i can't actually see him from my desk. i'd get nothing done because i'd be staring at his absence of neck. poor guy, i wonder if he can turn his head or if he has to move his whole upper body just to look a little to the left. you know like those people who wear those wiplash collars. haha i'm laughing just picturing it. i'd feel pretty bad if he actually had some sort of condition that made his neck that way..........for a bit then i'd just keep staring. I CAN'T HELP IT. i need help! isn't that the first step...admitting you have a problem?